i really did waste alot of time

an ongoing thought through my head is how i have wasted so much time. as far back as i can remember, to be more exact since i was like 10ish give or take a few, i can remember me always wanting more. not in a money, power kind of way in an answers kind of way. when i was a kid i went to catholic school, i was raised in a fairly ctholic family. my mom worked at the rectory of the catholic school i went to, so, i spent alot of time in the rectory and around the priests and nuns. even in an everyday setting, both in school and personal life, with them i can always remember me being unimpressed. i never quite grasped the sense of religon. something always just seemed to be missing. i can always just remember me saying, there has to be more then just this. unfortunatly by the time i hit middle school i decided to experiment in drugs and alcohol and small time crime (and by small time i mean not very small, we did alot of things and ran alot of things). so any thoughts and questions at that time were of no concern to me. even then though i wanted to leave my small town and wonder the world. highschool was spent recovering from my drugs and alcohol and trying to find my own personal happiness. which would have much easier been solved had i just sat down and pondered these questions and thoughts in my head. instead though i ignored them and tried to make myself happy. after highschool i had already givin up, i dove into a miserable life of hate and contempt for everyone. i didn't go to college and i began drinking again. well now i am a couple months from 24, sober again and all hate is gone. i fogured out that these questions in my head are the answer to my happiness. i'm a very political person and now i can see that. all my questions of is there more and my wanting to travel (which i still have yet to do but am working on it) wasn't even for my own personal self. it was for the people. it was for my desire to help the people world round. this is no small battle, nor is it for that matter a feasable one. i however see now that this is a task i will go to no end to fight for. any change that i do make i unfortunatly won't be around to see but that is just a fact i am willing to live with. any change i make will come many many years from this date. it's just ashame though how long it took me to relize this. if only i had sooner i could have applied myself so much more, i would have gone to college already and know so much more then i do now. however i am still young and it is far from too late, so i start now and i ask for everyone to help me in this epic battle of peace and freedom that i will be forever chasing.


i've got big dreams much biggger than me. i will need the help of all to carry this through. STAND UP!